Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
