saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
farters have to be the big spoon...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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