WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
