My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
