So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
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Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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