When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
