i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
this hospital has no fireball
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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