every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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