I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
