I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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