I think I died a long time ago.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
