Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
