Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
