Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
