as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
