So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
