Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
