Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
