I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
