Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So vagazzling was a success
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
