i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I looked at my own cervix.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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