you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
