I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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