Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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