Soap is not a condiment
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
why do cheetos always look like penises
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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