She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
