I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
