We named our party play list daddy issues
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
