I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
