Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
