when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
