Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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