i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
