What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize