I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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