Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My life is pants optional.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
