I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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