First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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