Plan B is the new Plan A
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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