I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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