Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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