I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
