you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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