Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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