I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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