Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
