Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
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Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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