just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
