So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
this is an emotional support booty call
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
