apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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