i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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