i need an iv and a liver transplant
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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