I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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