i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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